Between Faith and Fear

This post may not be completely grammatically sound, but I want to get it out there so I hope no one sends this to any of the wonderful writing teachers I have had over the years – I’d hate to disappoint them.

I got my test results from my follow up CT the week before last. PRAISE THE LORD, the tear in my vessel had healed.

They told me in March while in the hospital, that I probably would not heal. The thought of having a vessel blocking blood flow to my brain for the rest of my life worried me.

A Miracle?

More than one person called it a miracle.

I am not too quick to throw out the word miracle because I don’t want to cheapen the word. Kind of like the way the word love is thrown around…we use it so commonly that rarely is it referring to real, honest to goodness love.

But I don’t want to make it out like it was nothing either. I still have a little brain fog and my pupils don’t always match but the main thing that was broken is fixed and I want God to get all the credit that he deserves.

The healing of that vessel is something doctors didn’t believe would happen. I had faith all along that I could be healed, but I also had some fear. Of course God could heal me, but that didn’t mean he would.

I have faith that God wants to give me good things. But, more importantly, I believe he wants me to lift him up and draw closer to him. I also believe he will use any means necessary to accomplish that.

That is where fear creeps in. What if he sends me down a dark path to make me look harder for The Light, so to speak? That is where the faith comes in.

What a Friend We Have in Jesus

I have always told my children that the one person who will always 100% have their back and never disappoint them, is the Lord. I will disappoint them. Their dad will. Their spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends and friends will. Bosses will. Teachers will. Jesus won’t. I taught them that even if we think something is terrible – and it might be – that it is happening because the final outcome is for our good.

I still believe this…and I have been down some very dark paths. I have found that when I call out to Jesus, he gives me strength and grace for the moment.

What carries me through is that overwhelming belief (faith – the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen – Hebrew 1:1) that whatever happens, it will work out for my good – not just my good, my best and I am aware and look for how that is happening.

Between faith and fear…

Miracles often happen in that space between faith and fear. We just have have to hold on to the faith.

Am I thankful I received a miracle in the form of healing? Of course – but I am also thankful to have had the dissection in the first place. My perspective has changed and I can see how God has used it for good in my life.

Dear Lord, I pray for the person who is reading this right now. If they lack faith, I pray this encourages them and that you will send others to encourage them also. If they have faith, give them the boldness to share it. I thank you for illness and healing. In the name of Jesus – Amen.

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